Aviation Funnies
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
If black boxes survive air crashes — why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? George Carlin.
Aviation Dictionary
Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.
Bank: The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' aircraft.
Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey, located near the final approach beacon at an airport.
Engine Failure: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with air.
Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.
Glide Distance: Half the distance from the airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.
Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.
Roger: Used when you're not sure what else to say.
Service Ceiling: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.
Spoilers: The Federal Aviation Administration.
Stall - Technique used to explain to the bank why you car payment is late.
Maintenance Squawks
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution logged by the mechanic.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: The Turn Coordinated ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
S: Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Radio sounds like a squealing pig
S: Removed pig from radio. BBQ behind hangar tomorrow
High Flight, with FAA Supplement
Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth(1),
And danced(2) the skies on laughter silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed(3) and joined the tumbling mirth(4)
Of sun-split clouds(5) and done a hundred things(6)
You have not dreamed of — Wheeled and soared and swung(7)
High in the sunlit silence(8). Hov'ring there(9)
I've chased the shouting wind(10) along and flung(11)
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long delirious(12), burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights(13) with easy grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle(14) flew
;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space(15),
Put out my hand(16), and touched the face of God.
NOTE:
1.Pilots must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.
2. During periods of severe sky dancing, crew and passengers must keep seatbelts fastened. Crew should wear shoulder belts as provided.
3. Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.
4. Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.
5. Pilots flying through sun-split clouds under VFR conditions must comply with all applicable minimum clearances.
6. Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.
7. Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be attempted except in aircraft rated for such activities and within utility class weight limits.
8. Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
9. "Hov'ring there" will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.
10. Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.
11. Pilots flinging eager craft through footless halls of air are reminded that they alone are responsible for maintaining separation from other eager craft.
12. Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.
13. Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to maintain VFR minimum separations.
14. Aircraft engine ingestion of, or impact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance facility.
15. Aircraft operating in the high untresspassed sanctity of space must remain in IFR flight regardless of meteorological conditions and visibility.
16. Pilots and passengers are reminded that opening doors or windows in order to touch the face of God may result in loss of cabin pressure.
A poem written by one of our student pilots
Plane Crazy
By Neil Rasmussen
What is it about the sound
Of a radial engine
On a winter’s day?
One of those crisp days
When the sanctuary stillness
Is parted by a distant whispered
Thrumming.
A childlike giddiness
Displaces disbelief
As thrumming becomes rumble.
Now persistent and growing
In intensity
Along with visions
Of Stearman and Waco
Stagger-wing, Beech and
Gull-wing Stinson,
Send us running
Through the impediments
Of clear vision.
Searching the tree tops,
The sound growing
Into a roar.
There! Ya see it.
Banking in a slow
Graceful arc a vision
Of childhood dreams
Caught in the light
And shadow of
A winter afternoon.
With mouths agape
We gaze skyward
Lost souls stuck
On the ground
Head in the clouds
Simple sentimental
Want-to-be aviators.
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